On July 3rd, 2012 I found out at a routine 20 week ultrasound that the baby we were expecting in November no longer had a heart beat. I was scheduled to deliver him still born 3 days later. 3 days! That meant I had 72 hours to carry around my lifeless baby. I was dreading the delivery, but at the same time I hated being a walking grave.
72 hours is a lot of time to process. Naturally, my mind tried to think of things that would ease the pain. I tried to tell myself the whole thing was just a mistake. I was never supposed to get pregnant. It was just a little blip in the grand scheme of things. I would move on pretending it never happened. I would go into the delivery room and view it as a surgery to remove something in my body that no longer belonged, instead of the delivery of a child. I didn’t want to think about the reality of the whole thing, because it was just too devastating.
We checked into a labor and delivery room on the evening of July 6th and there was no escaping the reality at that point. This wasn’t just a surgery. This was without a doubt going to be the hardest thing I had ever faced. All of the things I had thought to myself to try to make this easier, weren’t helping, because they weren’t true.
I delivered Felix the next morning at 6:10 a.m. Before we left the nurses brought us a pretty white box with mementos of the delivery. His tiny footprints, a little certificate to let us know the time of delivery and his weight, and a measuring tape to show how long he was. I hated leaving the hospital with just that little box. I was supposed to leave with my baby boy. The cut seemed to get deeper, the hurt seemed to grow stronger. I was at a loss for what to tell myself to make me feel better, but God knew exactly what I needed to hear.
The next night before bed my husband Josh and I were talking with my mother in law about all that we were going through and the things we felt like God was sharing with us as we looked to Him for help. In that conversation my husband said the words I needed to hear to release true peace, true healing, and true comfort into my spirit. Two words that changed my life forever, “Felix mattered.”
I can’t even begin to explain the supernatural mending of that deep cut and the immediate pain relief I felt when those words left his mouth. The whole thing hadn’t been just a mistake. I was supposed to get pregnant. I didn’t have to try to forget about it and move on as soon as possible. God never intended the pregnancy to end the tragic way it did. He had a great plan for Felix and even though we would never see him walk out that plan, we knew God could use us to pick up where he left off. That was the truth. The truth that set me free. Felix wasn’t just a blip, he mattered, and I wouldn’t have to pretend that he didn’t ever again.
Tonight, as I wrap up 10kreasons, those two words ring truer than ever before. Felix mattered, not only to me and my family, but to all of the lives that were touched by this blog.
He mattered to the mother who was mad and bitter toward God about losing her son until she came across 10kreasons and realized that God was not at all to blame for her loss. He mattered to the people whose eyes were opened to the everyday goodness of God. He mattered to the lady who needed an answer from God and got it when she read my post that day. He mattered to the people who have found healing through thankfulness. He mattered to the readers who had friends or family members that lost babies over the last year that were able to share hope with them by sharing a link to this site. He mattered to everyone who decided to start their own thank you lists. He mattered to anyone who read anything I’ve posted over the last 365 days that mattered to them.
He was only here for 20 weeks and never saw the light of day, but Felix mattered. God used His life to make a difference in the lives of others and to bring Him glory. God wants to use your life to do the same. You are not a mistake, a blip, or someone that is just occupying space on the earth.
James 1:18 (NLT) He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession.
You are His prized possession and like Felix, YOU matter.
And now, through tears of joy, it’s time to write my last list.
- 9,974. Josh. My husband of 10 years. My biggest supporter, encourager and the first to read each one of my posts.
- 9,975. Gus. My first born! His passion, his fearlessness, his cute face, and his love make it easy to see God’s goodness every single day.
- 9,976. Beau. My beautiful 2 year old daughter. She is pure sweetness and exudes joy! She made making my lists so easy.
- 9,977. Sunny. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. I can’t wait to meet my 2nd daughter in December!
- 9,978. Felix. He mattered. He made a difference in my life and in the lives of countless others.
- 9,979. My mom. I know she took the time to read every one of my posts and has been very encouraging from the start.
- 9,980. My dad. He wanted me before I was born, just like my heavenly father.
- 9,981. My mother in law. One of my greatest supporters! She introduced so many ladies to my blog.
- 9,982. My father in law. There weren’t too many times I talked to him on the phone over the last year that he didn’t tell me how proud he was of me and how much he loved reading what I was writing.
- 9,983. Courtney, Tosha, Zach, Becky, Mindy, and Brooke. My sibling supporters!
- 9,984. My church, Gateway Frisco. Love the people and love Pastor Robert.
- 9,985. My job. I have the best bosses in the world, Ken & Trudi Blount, and being able to work from home and make my own schedule was a huge factor in finding time to write everyday.
- 9,986. My husband’s job. He gets paid to teach kids the word of God every weekend!
- 9,987. My Bible. There is no other book on the planet like it and I’ve learned so much studying it over the last year.
- 9,988. My new perspective on the goodness of God. He’s good in the little things and in the big things. He’s good all of the time.
- 9,989. Everyone that has taken time to read the blog. Friends, family, strangers. Whoever you are, thank you for letting me share my journey with you.
- 9,990. As of today, 29,078 views of 10kreasons.wordpress.com.
- 9,991. The world wide web. 10kreasons has been in 59 countries over the last 365 days.
- 9,992. I learned that know matter how busy I am, if I make spending time with God a priority it will happen.
- 9,993. All of my posts and lists are out there forever. I’m looking forward to going back to day one and rereading all that God showed me.
- 9,994. I discovered that I love to write!
- 9,995. 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman. If that song had never been written, this blog would have never been written.
- 9,996. Facebook and Twitter. I was able to share my story with so many people just through social media.
- 9,997. Wordpress. My faithful blog host.
- 9,998. We are God’s prized possession. Each one of us matter to Him.
- 9,999. I did it!! I really did it!! Such a bittersweet moment closing out something so near and dear to my heart, but I know it’s really just the beginning.
- 10,000. Jesus. My very first list started with Him, so it’s only fitting that my very last list ends with Him. He is the Alpha & Omega, the beginning and the end, and THE reason I was able to find 10,000 reasons!