Day 335

A year ago today Josh was driving me to the hospital for what would be the hardest day of our lives.  It took every ounce of courage inside of me to walk into that hospital, take the elevator to the labor and delivery floor, walk past the new born nursery, and check into a room with a baby bed that the lifeless baby inside of me would never lay in.  My doctor came in a while later and talked to us about how incredibly hard this would be.  He even told us it would be the worst day of our lives.  I didn’t want to believe him.  I didn’t think it was possible to experience anything more devastating than when we received the news at an ultrasound a few days earlier, that our baby’s heart was no longer beating.  I wanted to tell him to shut up and leave us alone, but I knew he was just doing his job, so I nodded politely until he was finished.  He told us we could hold the baby if we wanted to, but warned us it would not be pretty.  I told him I didn’t want to hold the baby or know if it was a boy or girl, because I thought it would just make the whole thing harder.  He said that was fine.

10 hours later it was time.  It was time for the little baby who I had never met, yet already fallen in love with to be delivered not into my arms, but into a nurses arms, and then taken away and out of our earthly lives forever.  With my first two deliveries I opted for an epidural, but since I was only 20 weeks and the baby was less than a pound, I didn’t get one this time around.  I could feel everything.  I wasn’t in too much pain, but the realization of what was happening was all to real.  I didn’t want to see anything, so I shut my eyes as tight as I could, turned my head into my husband who was right by my side and held onto his hands with a death grip.

The moment I felt the baby leaving my body, I saw a flash of heaven.  My eyes were closed, so I didn’t see it with my earthly eyes, but my spirit saw it.  I saw a girl that looked a lot like me being handed a baby boy.  I didn’t hear anything, I didn’t see Jesus, but I knew it was heaven and I knew exactly who the girl was and exactly who the baby boy was.

The baby boy was my baby.  The baby I had just delivered stillborn.  The girl that looked like me was my sister.  A sister that I had never met.  My mom had a miscarriage between me and my younger brother.  She was just in her first trimester and never knew if the baby was a girl or boy.  I had never thought much about that sibling.  I was less than two years old when my mom had the miscarriage.  I had heard her talk briefly about it, but just briefly.  I had never thought about the fact that I would someday meet him or her in heaven.  But in that moment, when I saw that flash of heaven, I knew in my spirit that’s exactly who was getting ready to hold my little boy.

The doctor was right.  It was the worst day of our lives, but in that moment of utter darkness, God showed His light.

The doctor wasn’t there for my delivery, but he came by before we checked out and told us that he had just taken a look at our son.  Our son!  I told him I didn’t want to know!  I was right, knowing did make it harder… at least in that moment, but I’m so glad he slipped and that we found out.  It confirmed the vision and I know if I hadn’t found out I would spend the rest of my life wondering if it was a boy or a girl.

I was thinking about Felix’s “birthday” today and about that vision.  It brought such joy to my heart knowing that my little sister, who never walked the earth, never scraped her knee, never married, and never got to experience the joys of motherhood was in heaven taking care of her little nephew, loving him like her own.  What a special bond the two of them share.

I imagine all of the babies who grew up in heaven, the babies that were miscarried, aborted, born still, or just died way too prematurely, have a special job in heaven taking care of the new babies that arrive.  Being family for those whose families are still on earth.

Felix is not here to throw a party for, to light a number one candle for, or to set a smash cake in front of and watch him go to town, and that hurts my heart, but I know without a doubt he is in heaven, celebrating every day, being loved and cared for, and experiencing nothing but joy in the presence of my great God, and that makes my heart happy.

David lost his infant son and in 2 Samuel 12:23 he wrote this,

But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me.

Felix will never return to me, but I will go to him.  We will meet one day in a place so beautiful, it’s impossible to imagine, and I’ll know him and he will know me.  We will spend the rest of eternity worshipping the HOLY one together, with the rest of our family.

Today, and every year on his birthday, I’ll think of him and wonder what he would be like this year, and I’ll shed a few tears of sadness, but then I’ll think of him in heaven and wonder what he and his aunt are up to, and I’ll shed a few tears of joy.

  1. In the middle of that dark moment, God’s light came bursting through.
  2. Felix.  That little boy forever changed my life. 7/7/12.
  3. I will go to him one day.
  4. My sister… the one I saw in the vision.  My mom said if it were a girl they were going to name her Emily.  Someday I’ll meet Emily and hear about the day that Felix arrived in heaven.
  5. Heaven is real!
  6. Felix is celebrating in the presence of God, in the most beautiful place ever created, every single day.
  7. Josh was by my side that day.  I am so thankful I married such a great man.
  8. Jesus was in the room that morning.  My mother in law could see Him there with us while she was up praying of us that morning… I couldn’t see Him, but I could feel Him.
  9. My delivery went as smoothly as it could have.
  10. The doctor told us we had a son.
  11. His tiny footprints.
  12. God is good.  He’s just so good.  I love how He loves me.
  13. Writing is so therapeutic.
  14. Fridge & pantry are organized and full.
  15. Beau is my grocery store buddy.  She loves hanging out with mom and I love hanging out with her.
  16. Gus woke up crying because he missed Nana & Papa… I guess that confirms that he had a blast while he was in Tulsa.
  17. For the next couple of days we get to hang out with some pretty cool teenagers.  Enjoyed having Drew & Lindsay around the house today!
  18. Pastor Randy & Cheri are headed to gorgeous Hawaii to celebrate 20 years of marriage!  Excited for them.
  19. Yummy pizza & salad for dinner!
  20. Happy to be back at Gateway Frisco this weekend.
  21. I was able to help in the four year old class tonight and I got to snuggle with the little babies in cuddle bugs!  I’ll have a little one in cuddle bugs in just 5 months!
  22. The people that work in nursery and preschool are all SO nice!  I love them!
  23. Got to have Gus in my class for a while tonight.  He is one cool dude!
  24. I had a little girl in my class named Nicole that was absolutely fascinated with my baby bump.  Little girls sure are sweet!
  25. Josh’s grandmother, Katherine aka Monners, has been in heaven for a year now.  Such a sweet and beautiful person.  I know her and her husband Bo have held little Felix too!
  26. Josh and the big kids had a Back To The Future movie night and I got popcorn M&M minis and a back to the future nap.
  27. Hearing the kids talk about what they learned at church tonight.

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