Last year at this time we were less than a week away from finding out at our 20 week anatomy scan that our baby’s heart was no longer beating and that I would have to deliver him stillborn. I remember that day perfectly. I remember what I was wearing. What the weather was like outside. The way the doctor trailed in conversation when he realized what he was about to have to tell us. Trying to not loose it in front of my two small children. Having to wait there on the exam table while the doctor went to get another doctor to confirm what he was seeing and seeing for myself my little baby’s face on the ultrasound monitor. I couldn’t believe I would never get to see that face here on earth. It was the second hardest day of my life, the first being the day we delivered him.
With such vibrant memories still so fresh in my mind I knew that when I was ready to be pregnant again that I would have to be prepared to battle fear. I am 16 weeks pregnant now and up to this point I’ve had an extremely peaceful pregnancy. I would be lying if I said I didn’t get butterflies in my stomach every time I go for a prenatal check up, but that’s pretty much been the extent of fear… up until the past few days.
I knew that my 16 week check up was coming up and I was excited, but then those memories from last July began to play in my head. I don’t know if it’s because the weather feels the same, I’m wearing all of the same clothes I was wearing this time last year, my tummy is the same size as it was then, or that as we draw nearer to the one year mark I just seem to be thinking about the whole thing more than usual, whatever the case, fear crept in.
I felt like I was managing it okay on my own. I was praying, praising, speaking God’s word, and all of that helped, but I just couldn’t seem to get the spirit of fear to completely leave. I told my husband what was going on. He got right beside me, put his arm around me, making me feel tiny, and began to pray for me. As he was praying he said this, “Faith does not cast out fear, love does. Lord, help Sarah to be more aware of your love for her than ever before.”
Everything else he prayed was awesome, but that right there is what helped me send the spirit of fear packing.
1 John 4:18 (AMP) There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror!
I spent the day before the appointment meditating on God’s love for me and the bad memories turned into real moments of feeling the baby flutter around in my womb… like a tiny sign from God that everything was going to be okay. A little reminder of his big love for me.
One of my kid’s favorite books is “God Loves Me More Than That” by Dandi Daley Mackall. It’s a beautiful picture book that talks about how long, how high, how deep and how wide God’s love is for us. An easy concept for my kids to grasp. They totally believe every word of it. They know that God loves them deeper than a treasure chest beneath the sea and wider than the prairies where the cowboys ride. They don’t question it one bit. As I was thinking about God’s love He reminded me of that book and told me to keep telling myself that, God loves me more than that. Anytime fear started to stop it by saying, God loves me more than that and to really believe it like my kid’s believe it.
It seems so simple, but God’s love is powerful, and just by reminding myself how great His love is for me, I was able to go to my appointment today free from fear and experience the joy God meant for me to experience.
Whatever THAT is that you are worried about today or whatever THAT is that is causing you to fear, remind yourself that God loves you more than THAT!
1. We are having a GIRL!!! So excited about my little Sunny Joone.
2. The feeling I left with today was the exact opposite of what we felt when leaving the doctor last year! Double joy!
3. We got to see such a cute shot of Sunny’s little foot moving around.
4. My doctor was able to get such a great view of what he needed to see to tell us the sex.
5. Peaceful morning leading up to the appointment and peaceful appointment.
6. I had a dream 2 weeks ago it was a girl!
7. When I called to tell my mom the news she said she had just told my dad I was going to have a girl that looked just like me!
8. My niece Courtney had a dream I was going to have a girl just a few weeks after we found out we were expecting.
9. My friend Briana told me she was praying for me and baby and God told her to refer to the baby as a her!
10. God is so very good!!! I love that he put Sunny on so many people’s hearts.
11. The kids were both excited to find out they were getting a little sister.
12. We had such a happy drive to Robber’s Cave!!
13. Safe drive to Robber’s Cave.
14. Robber’s Cave! Loved going with mg family when I was a kid and I love bringing my kids back. Keeping the tradition alive.
15. My huge family. Reunions are pretty awesome with our big ole gang.
16. Gus had a blast swimming this afternoon and loved the pool slides.
17. Beau got a good little nap in and I got to relax too!
18. Roy’s Cardinal Grocery store.
19. Wi-fi! Without it this blog post would have to wait. Excuse the number formatting. Too hard to use code typing on an iPhone.
20. Hot dog roast!
22. So many sweet texts and messages congratulating us on our girl news!
23. Had time to make peanut butter chocolate chip cookies this morning.
24. Sleeping in a little cabin tonight. The kids just can’t get over their big bed that looks like it’s made of tree logs.
25. The tall trees lining all the trails and the hills covered with trees. Really pretty and green!
26. My friend Sayra kept Gus and Beau for me this morning while we were at the doctor.
27. God Loves Me More Than That!!